Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
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Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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