did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
