then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
