So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I love having hate sex.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I did not marry a roomba.
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