the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
