you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
