I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
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I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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