I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
