someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
