as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
