I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
