He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
