apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
