If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
