Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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