i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
