I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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