There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
