She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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