Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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