I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
