The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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