I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
