U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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