Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
