I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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