Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
They have beer where we have blood.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
