i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
