Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
