even my farts smell like vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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