ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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