Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
