Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize
