Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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