I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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