Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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