The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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