I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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