You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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