Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
