True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
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