When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
