That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
God, I missed his penis.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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