So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
