Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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