apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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