i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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