Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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