Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
