This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
