I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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