Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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