Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
