Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
