Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
People in love make me want to vomit
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
