He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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