Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
