You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
