After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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