dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
