I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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